SITUATIONSHIP Part 4: In my feelings

  I often found myself daydreaming about a life together with Tommy. One that included No One else but US. No Boyfriend, No Girlfriend just us. I wanted to lay on his chest with his arms wrapped around me every night. I wanted us to have a huge house with a huge yard for our huge family. I wanted to plan family vacations as well as baecations where the adventures would be limitless. I wanted to get lost in his love until the end of time

  He made me feel Beautiful. A way I have never felt about myself. He put my insecure thoughts to shame. He made them irrelevant. He was the first man in my life to challenge me to be a better me not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Spirtually I wanted to be connected to him in every way possible. When it came down to who i wanted .. my mind, soul and body chose him over and over again. He was my Everything and  I put that on EVERYTHI.....

~RINGGGGG RINNNNGGG~

 My thoughts were interuppted by that sound blaring through the speakers of the car.
"Who calling US bae?!" I joked as i looked over to the screen in the middle of the dashboard. 

 The name WIFEY came across the screen. I rolled my eyes quick enough for Tommy not to see. He looked over and held up a finger signaling me to either stay quiet or to give him a minute. Either way That Shit ruined my whole entire mood. He hit the accept call button.

"Hello"

"Hey Baby" She said as her annoying voice filled the air around me basically sufficating me.

"Hey Baby, What"s up?"

" Let me tell you what this dumb ass girl did just before i went on my break ."

Tommy looked over at me as I sank in my seat and folded my arms. This was not only going to be a long conversation but one that would have me ready to smash my head through the windshield.

  14 minutes and 36..37..38..39 seconds passed as I sat in the car listening to this girl complain about everything but why the sky was blue. They called themselves chitchatting while i was siting over here not being able to say a word like I was on time out !! I was tooo through. I was tired of her damn voice and i was damn sure tired of listening to whatever problems she had wit her coworkers and everyone else. I sat up quickly in my seat making Tommy look over at me. I moved my hand across my neck making a cut it motion. I WAS DONE with hearing this shit. It was my day...OUR day and we were going to operate as such. I was not tolerating this shit any longer. Hell he aint see me on the phone with my mans at home , did he?!  He mouthed the words OK and put up that damn finger again. See now I was ready to break his shit. I opened my mouth up wide as if I was about to scream. She countinued to talk as he made no effort to end the conversation. Bruh Bruh must have thought I was playing with him .... I wasnt! I let out a loud SIGHHHHH..

"AHHHHHHH"  Tommy yelled trying to mask my sound .

"What the hell you scream for Baby" her naive ass asked.

" This truck was cutting over, it almost hit me!!" 

"You need to be focused on the road Thomas , you probably have your phone in ya hand on Facebook.!!! you probably havent even been listening to shit I've been sayin. LIKE ALWAYS!!!"

    OH NO bitch WE were listening for almost 20 minutes!! 20 minutes I cant get back. I rolled my eyes sooo hard. I thought they were gonna get stuck.

" I was listening woman , but look I"m bout to pull up at Chris's house. Ima call you a little later. "

"mmhmm i hear you .. Bye "

BEEP BEEP BEEP

The call disconnected without him being able to reply.

"FINALLY, I screamed , What the fuck !! How long was you planning on staying o the phone?" I said making sure my disgust showed.

"It wasn’t my fault boo..."

“ Yes the hell it was! Why you pick up anyway? You don’t see me over here talking to my mans.” I snapped with a slight smirk knowing he ain’t like that shit.

“ Ooooohhh so he ya mans now?!”

“She wifey ain’t she, fuck outta here”  I said with as much attitude as I could muster.

The next five minutes felt like the longest ever. My legs were facing toward the door instead of facing him. I hated it when we fought but I also refused to keep my mouth shut when something bothered me. I wasn’t having it! That was something I did too many times in the past. I let others feelings come before mine and there was no one who put mine before theirs. I would be hurt but not wanting to cause problems I would act as if everything was ok when it wasn’t. In doing so....I suffered.

Engulfed in my feelings I was catapulted into a dark place. One that bought on emotions that I had wished were long gone and here I was feeling them. Tears fell from my eyes as I quickly tried to wipe them away not wanting him to see. Over the years, I had acquired somewhat of a tough skin. I tried to not let things bother me he had a girl and I had a man, I knew what this was, I knew what I had gotten myself into but I had no control over this. The tears continued to fall faster than I could wipe them away. Tommy reached over and placed his hand on my thigh. I cried harder no longer trying to hide it. He grabbed my hand and pulled it to his lips and kissed it.

 "Im sorry boo, Dont cry, I'm sorry ok!"

 I didnt respond. I was embarassed to be crying over something so little. We had been dealing with each other long enough to have to witness one another's bullshit ass anniversaries, bitrhdays, and valentines days. But I dont know.... something about today .. something about now, had me fucked up!!

I WAS IN MY FEELINGS

"I'll make it up to you, I promise, I was insensitive and that was fucked up." 

 I looked over at him trying to figure out if he really Got IT or if he was just trying to diffuse the situation. Tonight was suppose to be about us and I did not want to let anything get in the way of that . i decided to temporarily let it go and live in the moment.  I exhaled and said "OK"

SITUATIONSHIP part 3: WEEKEND

We just gonna call him … umm Tommy!

Tommy gently pushed me on the bed and tapped my leg! Turn over is what he meant and turned over is exactly what I did! I assumed position head down and ass all the way up anticipating him entering me. My body yearned for him. It was a feeling in my body that I will try my hardest to describe. My body had a warm sensation all over as if I was actually feeling my blood being pumped all over my body. I could feel my heartbeat as well as hear it. I felt as chill bumps covered everything but I wasn’t cold ! So goosebumps maybe? cause this dude dick game had me shook!(lol) The heart beat I felt was now in between my legs and she was screaming for him! I looked over my shoulder to see what was taking him so long. Tommy was just staring at me.

 “What’s wrong with you” I asked quite confused

 “I love this shit” without saying another word he grabbed my waist and slide inside. The feeling was Euphoric as we gasped in unison. I moved my hips from side to side as he went in and out. A tingling started at my feet and traveled up my legs before making its way throughout my entire body. I flexed my pelvic muscles knowing it would drive him crazy. He grabbed my waist tight and went into pound overdrive before releasing himself inside me. Our breathing pattern matched as he laid on the bed next to me!

“I’m tired of this weekend shit I want ya ass forever” he said in between breathing.

Shit I felt the same exact way but the way our shit was set up this weekend shit was just gonna have to do!

“Say you gotta girl, how you want me how you want me when you gotta girl. Feeling is reckless ..knowing it’s selfish..  knowing I’m desperate .Getting all in ya love falling all over love like do it till it last last” I sang the words out loud teasing him while we were getting ready. I felt every word Sza sang as if she took excerpts out of my diary! I went to my drawer and pulled out my bra and underwear. I walked over to his closet and got out my denim button up. I had belongings at the house and felt no shame about it.

“where are we going bae, I asked hoping he would tell me, I need to know so I know what to put on”

“Anything you put on is fine boo now let’s go we running late now, he walked pass smacking me on the ass, talking bout me not being ready”

“I had to freshen up after that, I was not bout to be leaking everywhere!”

We headed down the interstate without a care in the world. Life knew how to throw us fast ones but being in each other’s presence took our mind off of it temporarily! The rest of the day would be about us, nothing or no one else mattered! We jammed to throwback 90’s music as we headed to our destination!

SITUATIONSHIP part 2: It’s 2018 ladies, we don’t cry, we cheat back!

I had a twenty minute drive to my destination and I couldn’t get there fast enough! I wanted my mind off of what was currently crowding it. When he said, I got tied up I came as soon as I can, I knew exactly what it meant. He was tied up with her. I guess he thought I still was naive to what was going on between them. But I wasn’t! I knew everything. I spent countless nights in the beginning of our 6 year relationship crying and pleading to be treated right. That was until I had a miscarriage 4 years ago due to all the stress!! It took a huge toll on me. That experience, caused me to check out. That miscarriage changed my whole outlook on things.

From that moment on Don't get mad get even became my motto. I was no longer the girlfriend who cried behind my man giving himself to other women. I was now the one that went out and got hers as well.  Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t out here screwing every Tom, Dick, and Harry but the guy who I finally did hook up with I decided to give him my all. Everything that a man wanted and deserved. He was my boyfriend #2.

"It’s 2018 ladies we don’t cry we cheat back !!" I yelled out into an empty car like the whole world could hear me. I found myself tooo deep in thought, I had to shake that feeling. I was five minutes from meeting him at our usual spot and the butterflies in my stomach were doing back flips. Four years later and I still got sooo nervous around him. He still made me feel like a little school girl with a crush. I pulled into the yard not to long after that and pulled out my phone.

I’m outside!

Ok! give me a min

I knew what give me a minute meant, his ass wasn’t ready. I turned my car off, got out, and jogged up the stairs. I flipped through a couple of keys until I found the house key. I put the key in the door and turned.

I walked in to the smell of fried chicken his grandma must have cooked earlier that day. I continued to walk through the dark house until I got to the bathroom. I could hear the shower running through the door. I opened the door to see a figure behind the curtain.

“You get on my nerves,I said laughing while pulling the shower curtain back, how you just getting here!”

“I’ve been here but I was watching the last two episodes of Power before the new one tonight”

“Soo dang you caught up without me “

“It ain’t even like that boo, he laughed looking at my lip poked out, you’re the reason I missed the last two episodes”

“WHATEVA just hurry ya ass up” I said walking out of the bathroom and into his room.

 I was ready to go not knowing where we were going. It was his turn to plan date night and I had no clue on what was in store. And I think that was the best part! Being with this man I had experienced sooo much! Things I thought I would never do I was doing! And I loved it! I never been this confident in my life. I used to second guess everything, but with him I didn't have to. We tried things together. If it worked, Great!! If not, we were able to laugh at it and leave it at that. Mistakes weren't taken so seriously in our relationship. I noticed the shower water had stopped and suddenly I wasn’t in such a rush. He walked into the room with his towel draped around his waist and some water still glistening on his skin! Looking delicious!! Before I knew it I was sliding my jeans off! Our date could wait!

 

“Wasn’t you just rushing…” I shut him up with a kiss.

“No time for all that,  I said breaking the kiss and tugging at his towel, now come get this!”

• 
  

SITUATIONSHIP part 1: He ain’t cheating....They’re building Boo!

For the past four years of my life, I was involved in a relationship filled with laughter and encouragement! I was spending my life with my best friend who I was able to do my ugliest bend over snorting laugh around as well as my snot dripping from my nose,face tore up, eyes swollen, ugly cry infront of! 

“My soul mate”only described a quarter of what he meant to me!  We were compatible in every way! Finishing each other’s sentences !! Sex out of this world ( we will touch on that a little later) and determination to face whatever life threw at us .. together !! Fearlessly!! The only problem was he and I were both involved with someone other than each other!

“If you keep catching ya dude with the same chick, he ain’t cheating.. they’re building boo” I stopped scrolling and looked at a meme that was on my timeline! OKKURRR!! I said out loud! Instead of double tapping the pic I pushed the home and off buttons on my phone and screenshot it. Stuff like that made me laugh because Hell, I agreed to the fullest but you wasn’t gonna catch me liking or sharing anything for the public to see! People knew only what I wanted them to know about me! 

I double clicked my home button and swiped right until I came up on my opened messenger screen. I sent my newly screenshot picture to HIM along with a heart eyes emoji and a laughing emoji. Three dots appeared and then a kissy face. That’s right boo we building!  As corny as it was I was smiling sooo hard my cheeks were hurting.

“Is he home yet? I miss you”

“ No not yet but you already know as soon as he pull up I’m on my way to you”

I got up placed my phone on the charger and went to my closet to grab my shoes. I stopped infront of the full-size mirror on the wall and turned around to make sure my ass was looking as fat as it possibly could. CHECK!!  I reapplied my lip gloss and flopped on my bed ! This dude was taking his sweet time on freakin purpose. He was supposed to be back a whole hour ago. Shit I had things to do. I heard a car door close. I jumped up and looked out the window only to see the exact person I was waiting for! I grabbed my coat and my phone off the charger and waited for him at the front door.

“Hey bae “ he said planting a kiss on my lips.  

“hey baby, I replied with a sweet smile on my face, What took you so long? You know I have to stop by the store before I meet up with my cousin!”

“ Im sorry Bae I got tied up, I came as soon as I could” he said pulling me into a hug wrapping his arms around my waist. “Im gonna miss you tonight” he squeezed my ass hoping I got the hint. I did!

“ I wish I could , I said breaking free from his grasp, but Im already running late. The baby is in her room sleeping. She has two bottles in the refrigerator and you know there are some frozen pouches in the freezer. Place the milk bags in warm water to thaw it out. No Microwave!!”

“ I know, I know .. I got it ..have fun bae see you later” he said kissing my forehead before pushing me out the door.

I turned and ran down the stairs to my car so happy I could have jumped in the air and clicked my heels. My night was about to be LIT and I couldn’t contain my excitement. I waited until I was down the street before pulling my phone out and texting the words. IM ON THEE WAY !

SITUATIONSHIP part 5 : Lawd knows I love me a singing N***a

I wiped my eyes as I pulled down the visor to look in the mirror. I absolutely hated crying! My eyes would get puffy and red , my nose would run and not to mention I always felt stupid afterwards. I reached over and turned the music back up hoping to lighten the mood. Tommy reached over and turned it back down.

“What you do that for ?“ I asked lookin over at him 

 

An awkward silence filled the car.

And then Tommy started singin...

“ Now we’re going in circles … around and round … I know it seems hope can’t be found … I know seems like all hope is lost but baby girl that thought is false…. “ 

That’s right ya’ll I had me a singing nigga , who had no problem serenading me at the drop of a dime. One of the many reason why when I fell for him I fell soooo hard. I Absolutely loved me somebody who could express themselves through song .  And he sounded thee fuckk good too ! I turned my head trying to hide the shyness that overwhelmed my being . If I haven’t said it before I’m tellin you now this man gave me butterflies. He made my insides and outsides do backflips.

 He slide his fingers underneath my chin and turned my head back toward him so that now our eyes locked! 

“Boy you better focus on driving “ I laughed pointing to the road infront of us. 

“ I got this woman” he reassured me turning his head to look at the road and then back at me “ Now back to what I was saying .. 

“ I know it seems like we’re growing apart but baby girl you have my heart , and my soul and body that’ll never change.. see my love for you will remain the same ….”

I sat there mesmerized hanging on to his every word … probably looking Goofy but at this point I did not care !! He was my baby and at that exact moment I was proud as hell to be his even if only temporary!

30 mins passed as the the vibes in the car went back to normal . We were back to singing and rapping every 90’s and 2000’s girl/guy duo you could name. Ashanti and Jarule “Mesmerized” blared through the speakers as we pulled into the parking lot of a rec center.

“ What we doin here “ I asked confused as hell.
“ just wait here I’ll be right back” he said jumping out the car.
I rolled my eyes and went back to singing . I sang to the top of my lungs not caring who stared me down as they walked to and from their car.
Tommy ran back to the car,knocked on the window and waved for me to come with him . I reached over, pulled the keys out of the ignition and jumped out the car. I snapped my fanny pack around my waist and grabbed his hand as we walked through the doors.
“ why are we here ? “ I asked again clearly annoyed I wasn’t getting an answer. He squeezed my hand as he led me through some double doors and down the stairs. A certain smell hit my nose as we approach a second set of doors.
“You ready?“he asked smiling from ear to ear
Ready for what I asked myself as he opened the door .
“ No way ?! Ice Skating!!” I couldn’t contain my excitement ! I had been talking about going Ice skating for years but never got around to going. This man paid soo much attention to me. He listened to me even when I thought he wasn’t. And that made me sooo happy. He wasn’t perfect but at this point he was perfect for me.
We walked over to the skate rental booth as a thought crossed my mind.. I NEVER did this before... I was going to bust my ass !!
“T you kno I never did this before right “
“ Me either “ he said shrugging his shoulders and laughing .. “guess we will bust our ass together “

See moments like this I knew I would cherish for ever and ever after that. Here I was in my 30’s and this man still had me feeling giddy like a school age girl. Yes he “belonged “ to someone else but on the Weekend he was mine and that’s all that mattered. . When Monday rolled around reality would set in . We would go back to our separate lives our separate families that we were apart of. Putting on a facade for personal gains , advancements and images. Moments like this helped me through the less pleasant times. I held on tight to these moments as I would lay next to a man who did not value me. As I would live a life that was soooo forced but would never fit. As I would live my life day to day unhappy. Moments like this meant EVERYTHING.

INVINCIBLE

"So you don't think i'm good enough, that's what you're trying to say " I shifted in the bed. "No no way i'm not saying that at all bae,What i'm saying is you're not good enough for me ."

I stared at him as my mind tried it's hardest to understand exactly what he was saying. Yea he was speaking English but in my mind it wasn't translating as such. I sat up in the bed without breaking my stare. “So you just now figuring this out? Four years of being together and you just came to this conclusion I’m not good enough for you?” I shook my head in disbelief as i felt my feet getting warm. “ I was good enough for you when you needed a place to stay. I was good  enough for you when I cosigned on the accura you wanted. I was good enough for you when I had to take up the payments to a car you wouldn't even let me drive . But now all of sudden I’m not good enough.”

I continued talking through my blurred vision "I should have seen this coming I swear I should have. I was good enough for you to release yourself inside of me but I wasn't good enough to have your baby. You sat by and let them snatch life from me because it wasn't what you wanted. Did you give a damn about how i felt? How I couldn't sleep? How a year later I still think of how my life would have been if I stood up to you and decided to keep it. I didn't even go to my sister's baby shower because it was suppose to be me having one, ..Me! Do you know how hard it is to live with that guilt. Who was I to let you persuade me this baby didn't deserve a chance. Huh ?!" I felt my voice tremble as my whole entire body was now warm. I felt a tingling in my head. I felt my leg shaking. I was angry and I couldn't cool myself down. “ WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE??” I asked matter of factly. I cried out not knowing what else to do. 

Truth was for years I felt I wasn't good enough for years I battled with self worth. I second guessed myself every chance I had. But to actually hear someone else say I wasn't good enough. The sharp pain I felt in my heart was to my guess what it felt like to have a dagger stuck through it. I continued to sob with my head in my hands waiting to feel his embrace but instead I heard the back door open and slam shut. I heard his car engine rev up I heard his tires kick up the gravel from the driveway. I cried harder. I cried louder. I screamed until it was hard for me to breath. I got up off of the bed and ran toward the bathroom. I searched frantically opening my drawers and cabinets until I found it. I broke the plastic off of my hair cutting razor comb and removed the blade. I turned my left forearm over and drug the blade over my flesh. “Ahhh” I said through clinched teeth. I went about a half inch higher and did it again. “ zzaahh” I said again as I drug the razor a little deeper from left to right. I watched as the blood puddle formed on my arm and began to drip down the sides. 

I wasn't trying to kill myself. Cutting seemed to have relieved my pain. My mental that is. Cutting took my focus off of my mental pain and turned it into physical. Cutting for me was an outlet, a way for me to control my emotions. Cutting was my escape. I sat there for a couple more minutes allowing the stinging of my arm to run its course. I closed my eyes and welcomed the pain. I would have chosen physical pain over mental pain over and over again. Physical I could get over. I could get a black eye and three weeks later I could look in the mirror and it'll be gone the pain would be gone. Nothing would be left but the thought of the pain. Oh yea I remember I had a black eye and it hurt when I got it but I wouldn't still be in pain. 

With mental pain, Man that type of pain hung around for years and years! The words someone spewed at me,every time I thought of it, the same pain I felt when they said it would come back. I would feel the same type of hurt. The same type of uselessness. That pain wouldn't go away unless you conquered it mentally. And Mentally I couldn't so cutting took me away from that dark place of pain and put me in a pain that made sense to me. I grabbed a couple of paper towels off the counter and applied pressure to my arm to stop the bleeding. After about three or four minutes the bleeding stopped. I threw the paper towels into the miniature trash can by the sink and washed my hands. I walked over to my closet and grabbed some gray sweatpants and a black t-shirt. I put it on, grabbed my cellphone and car keys slid my feet into my nike slides and headed out the door. 

Once in my car  I put Rihanna’s “Needed Me” song on repeated and drove around without a destination. I thought about driving around trying to find him. I thought about waiting at his mother's house for him to get there and hitting him with my car when he did. Heck I even thought about running him off the bridge on his way to work in the morning. But all of that would have gotten me where. No damn where but on the run, in jail ,or if I didn't hit the brakes quick enough, over the bridge with him. I quickly decided it wasnt worth it. Besides I couldnt swim anyway. I drove around for almost two hours until I found myself infront of my grandmother’s house. I took the keys out of the ignition, jogged up the stairs and turned the knob. I was instantly hit with the smell of apples and cinammon in the air. 

“Grandma” I yelled into the emptiness. “Grandma” I yelled a little louder. “I’m in the kitchen.” I walked through the living room and dining room to find my grandma in the kitchen covered in flour. I laughed at the sight. “Hey grandma Lottie” I said kissing her on her cheek. “What brings you on this side of town baby” she asked kneading the dough. “Nothing just wanted to come and say hey!”

“Well good perfect timing you can help me with this peach cobbler I gotta make for service tonight” I asked no questions. I went straight over to the sink washed my hands grabbed a paring knife and began slicing the peaches. “Grammy you got it smelling soooo good in here.” Helping my Grandma bake was sooo soothing. It took me back to the time when I had pigtails in my hair and mary jane shoes on my feet. Baking with her made the problems of the world seem soo small. So irrelvant. So .. unimportant. “ I see you back to cutting yourself “  I quickly pulled my arm back . ”Aint no need to hide it baby, whats going on?” I shook my head no “Nothing Grandma Lottie” she stopped what she was doing and looked at me over the rim of her glasses “Mi-Mi” hearing her call me that made me feel like a little kid again. Made me feel INVINCIBLE. 

I inhaled deeply and let it all out. “He told me I wasn't good enough for him, Grammy.. After all i did for him after all the sacrifices I made for him. It meant absolutely nothing to him!” “You listen to me right now you dont ever give a man enough power over you to the point where you harm yourself. Where you cut yourself. You dont ever give him the power to make you second guess your worth. HE DIDNT CREATE YOU SO WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM THE POWER TO BREAK YOU.. LOOK AT ME WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU. I placed the paring knife down and focused in on Grammy. “Child when you were younger you wrote one of them little poems. What they called?” “A Haiku” I smiled. “Yea a Haiku, I remember it made it in a readers digest book that went across the country. I told your momma back then you had a gift like no other. So I’m telling you this now. You pick up a pen and a piece of paper or whatever you have to write on at the moment, and you write. You write whatever comes to your mind. You write your pain away. Baby you write until you feel better. GOD gave you that gift for a reason and its bout time you use it. So put that blade down and pick up that pen.”

When I got home that night my mind was crowded. I had a heaviness on my heart crying wouldn’t get rid of. I got up to go to the bathroom but stopped as I walked pass my dresser. A pen was sitting on top of my light bill envelope. I picked it up and sat down on the edge of the bed. I began to write. I wrote through my sadness, I wrote through my joy, I wrote until I couldn’t write anymore and than I wrote some more... and the rest was history “

-Shanir

my worst critic

I'm my own worst critic. Even as i type this i'm thinking to myself  " who cares what you have to say " " no on wants to read this" "you're not important " even though that might be, right now i am choosing to block out the negative thoughts and just write . i have so much in my head on a daily using this blog as a journal just seems right.

when it finally clicks in ya head that u can do better .. i mean when u finally get that epiphany ... when you have a v8 moment. the moment when u decide ya current situation is not final destination . thats the moment when all hell will break loose. whether its wit your job your relationship or just the motion to better yourself, trouble will come out the wood works to find you and discourage you. lies will be told on you, your house hold will be turned upside down. it might seem your spouse and/ or your children will have completely lost their mind . bills and charges will come out of thin air .. ya money will continue to get shorter. ya friends and family might even turn their back on you. you will feel like giving up you will feel like u need an easy way out . you will feel completely alone. misunderstood, maybe even an outcast . that is the moment the very moment i believe you keep pushing .. you push through the lies the deceit the ill wills and the nasty grills that will come your way .. you break down if u have to and ask God for strength for the power to pull through it. you ask him for protection and you ask for a sane mind . you thank him for who he is and you thank him for how he has kept you through it all ... and after thats all said and done when you have said amen. you get up and dry your eyes you take a deep breath you look in the mirror and you tell yourself " I got this " you speak it into existence .. you tell yaself until you believe it yourself .. every day !! say it when you wake up say it when u brush your teeth eating breakfast walking into your job, getting gas ..driving down the interstate .. fixing dinner getting ready for bed . you tell yourself you got this you believe it with all of your heart then you hold your head high chest out shoulders back and you push your way into your break through !

That is something i wrote to myself last year around this time. it has helped me believe in myself and though not 100% confident . i can say i am 20 times more confident then i was last year . i have some goals i have set for myself and 2017 seems like the right time to put these goals into play . so i invite you, whoever might be, to come with me. laugh with me, cry with me , enjoy with me this journey as i explore these bigger dreams!