SITUATIONSHIP Part 4: In my feelings

  I often found myself daydreaming about a life together with Tommy. One that included No One else but US. No Boyfriend, No Girlfriend just us. I wanted to lay on his chest with his arms wrapped around me every night. I wanted us to have a huge house with a huge yard for our huge family. I wanted to plan family vacations as well as baecations where the adventures would be limitless. I wanted to get lost in his love until the end of time

  He made me feel Beautiful. A way I have never felt about myself. He put my insecure thoughts to shame. He made them irrelevant. He was the first man in my life to challenge me to be a better me not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Spirtually I wanted to be connected to him in every way possible. When it came down to who i wanted .. my mind, soul and body chose him over and over again. He was my Everything and  I put that on EVERYTHI.....

~RINGGGGG RINNNNGGG~

 My thoughts were interuppted by that sound blaring through the speakers of the car.
"Who calling US bae?!" I joked as i looked over to the screen in the middle of the dashboard. 

 The name WIFEY came across the screen. I rolled my eyes quick enough for Tommy not to see. He looked over and held up a finger signaling me to either stay quiet or to give him a minute. Either way That Shit ruined my whole entire mood. He hit the accept call button.

"Hello"

"Hey Baby" She said as her annoying voice filled the air around me basically sufficating me.

"Hey Baby, What"s up?"

" Let me tell you what this dumb ass girl did just before i went on my break ."

Tommy looked over at me as I sank in my seat and folded my arms. This was not only going to be a long conversation but one that would have me ready to smash my head through the windshield.

  14 minutes and 36..37..38..39 seconds passed as I sat in the car listening to this girl complain about everything but why the sky was blue. They called themselves chitchatting while i was siting over here not being able to say a word like I was on time out !! I was tooo through. I was tired of her damn voice and i was damn sure tired of listening to whatever problems she had wit her coworkers and everyone else. I sat up quickly in my seat making Tommy look over at me. I moved my hand across my neck making a cut it motion. I WAS DONE with hearing this shit. It was my day...OUR day and we were going to operate as such. I was not tolerating this shit any longer. Hell he aint see me on the phone with my mans at home , did he?!  He mouthed the words OK and put up that damn finger again. See now I was ready to break his shit. I opened my mouth up wide as if I was about to scream. She countinued to talk as he made no effort to end the conversation. Bruh Bruh must have thought I was playing with him .... I wasnt! I let out a loud SIGHHHHH..

"AHHHHHHH"  Tommy yelled trying to mask my sound .

"What the hell you scream for Baby" her naive ass asked.

" This truck was cutting over, it almost hit me!!" 

"You need to be focused on the road Thomas , you probably have your phone in ya hand on Facebook.!!! you probably havent even been listening to shit I've been sayin. LIKE ALWAYS!!!"

    OH NO bitch WE were listening for almost 20 minutes!! 20 minutes I cant get back. I rolled my eyes sooo hard. I thought they were gonna get stuck.

" I was listening woman , but look I"m bout to pull up at Chris's house. Ima call you a little later. "

"mmhmm i hear you .. Bye "

BEEP BEEP BEEP

The call disconnected without him being able to reply.

"FINALLY, I screamed , What the fuck !! How long was you planning on staying o the phone?" I said making sure my disgust showed.

"It wasn’t my fault boo..."

“ Yes the hell it was! Why you pick up anyway? You don’t see me over here talking to my mans.” I snapped with a slight smirk knowing he ain’t like that shit.

“ Ooooohhh so he ya mans now?!”

“She wifey ain’t she, fuck outta here”  I said with as much attitude as I could muster.

The next five minutes felt like the longest ever. My legs were facing toward the door instead of facing him. I hated it when we fought but I also refused to keep my mouth shut when something bothered me. I wasn’t having it! That was something I did too many times in the past. I let others feelings come before mine and there was no one who put mine before theirs. I would be hurt but not wanting to cause problems I would act as if everything was ok when it wasn’t. In doing so....I suffered.

Engulfed in my feelings I was catapulted into a dark place. One that bought on emotions that I had wished were long gone and here I was feeling them. Tears fell from my eyes as I quickly tried to wipe them away not wanting him to see. Over the years, I had acquired somewhat of a tough skin. I tried to not let things bother me he had a girl and I had a man, I knew what this was, I knew what I had gotten myself into but I had no control over this. The tears continued to fall faster than I could wipe them away. Tommy reached over and placed his hand on my thigh. I cried harder no longer trying to hide it. He grabbed my hand and pulled it to his lips and kissed it.

 "Im sorry boo, Dont cry, I'm sorry ok!"

 I didnt respond. I was embarassed to be crying over something so little. We had been dealing with each other long enough to have to witness one another's bullshit ass anniversaries, bitrhdays, and valentines days. But I dont know.... something about today .. something about now, had me fucked up!!

I WAS IN MY FEELINGS

"I'll make it up to you, I promise, I was insensitive and that was fucked up." 

 I looked over at him trying to figure out if he really Got IT or if he was just trying to diffuse the situation. Tonight was suppose to be about us and I did not want to let anything get in the way of that . i decided to temporarily let it go and live in the moment.  I exhaled and said "OK"

SITUATIONSHIP part 3: WEEKEND

We just gonna call him … umm Tommy!

Tommy gently pushed me on the bed and tapped my leg! Turn over is what he meant and turned over is exactly what I did! I assumed position head down and ass all the way up anticipating him entering me. My body yearned for him. It was a feeling in my body that I will try my hardest to describe. My body had a warm sensation all over as if I was actually feeling my blood being pumped all over my body. I could feel my heartbeat as well as hear it. I felt as chill bumps covered everything but I wasn’t cold ! So goosebumps maybe? cause this dude dick game had me shook!(lol) The heart beat I felt was now in between my legs and she was screaming for him! I looked over my shoulder to see what was taking him so long. Tommy was just staring at me.

 “What’s wrong with you” I asked quite confused

 “I love this shit” without saying another word he grabbed my waist and slide inside. The feeling was Euphoric as we gasped in unison. I moved my hips from side to side as he went in and out. A tingling started at my feet and traveled up my legs before making its way throughout my entire body. I flexed my pelvic muscles knowing it would drive him crazy. He grabbed my waist tight and went into pound overdrive before releasing himself inside me. Our breathing pattern matched as he laid on the bed next to me!

“I’m tired of this weekend shit I want ya ass forever” he said in between breathing.

Shit I felt the same exact way but the way our shit was set up this weekend shit was just gonna have to do!

“Say you gotta girl, how you want me how you want me when you gotta girl. Feeling is reckless ..knowing it’s selfish..  knowing I’m desperate .Getting all in ya love falling all over love like do it till it last last” I sang the words out loud teasing him while we were getting ready. I felt every word Sza sang as if she took excerpts out of my diary! I went to my drawer and pulled out my bra and underwear. I walked over to his closet and got out my denim button up. I had belongings at the house and felt no shame about it.

“where are we going bae, I asked hoping he would tell me, I need to know so I know what to put on”

“Anything you put on is fine boo now let’s go we running late now, he walked pass smacking me on the ass, talking bout me not being ready”

“I had to freshen up after that, I was not bout to be leaking everywhere!”

We headed down the interstate without a care in the world. Life knew how to throw us fast ones but being in each other’s presence took our mind off of it temporarily! The rest of the day would be about us, nothing or no one else mattered! We jammed to throwback 90’s music as we headed to our destination!

SITUATIONSHIP part 2: It’s 2018 ladies, we don’t cry, we cheat back!

I had a twenty minute drive to my destination and I couldn’t get there fast enough! I wanted my mind off of what was currently crowding it. When he said, I got tied up I came as soon as I can, I knew exactly what it meant. He was tied up with her. I guess he thought I still was naive to what was going on between them. But I wasn’t! I knew everything. I spent countless nights in the beginning of our 6 year relationship crying and pleading to be treated right. That was until I had a miscarriage 4 years ago due to all the stress!! It took a huge toll on me. That experience, caused me to check out. That miscarriage changed my whole outlook on things.

From that moment on Don't get mad get even became my motto. I was no longer the girlfriend who cried behind my man giving himself to other women. I was now the one that went out and got hers as well.  Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t out here screwing every Tom, Dick, and Harry but the guy who I finally did hook up with I decided to give him my all. Everything that a man wanted and deserved. He was my boyfriend #2.

"It’s 2018 ladies we don’t cry we cheat back !!" I yelled out into an empty car like the whole world could hear me. I found myself tooo deep in thought, I had to shake that feeling. I was five minutes from meeting him at our usual spot and the butterflies in my stomach were doing back flips. Four years later and I still got sooo nervous around him. He still made me feel like a little school girl with a crush. I pulled into the yard not to long after that and pulled out my phone.

I’m outside!

Ok! give me a min

I knew what give me a minute meant, his ass wasn’t ready. I turned my car off, got out, and jogged up the stairs. I flipped through a couple of keys until I found the house key. I put the key in the door and turned.

I walked in to the smell of fried chicken his grandma must have cooked earlier that day. I continued to walk through the dark house until I got to the bathroom. I could hear the shower running through the door. I opened the door to see a figure behind the curtain.

“You get on my nerves,I said laughing while pulling the shower curtain back, how you just getting here!”

“I’ve been here but I was watching the last two episodes of Power before the new one tonight”

“Soo dang you caught up without me “

“It ain’t even like that boo, he laughed looking at my lip poked out, you’re the reason I missed the last two episodes”

“WHATEVA just hurry ya ass up” I said walking out of the bathroom and into his room.

 I was ready to go not knowing where we were going. It was his turn to plan date night and I had no clue on what was in store. And I think that was the best part! Being with this man I had experienced sooo much! Things I thought I would never do I was doing! And I loved it! I never been this confident in my life. I used to second guess everything, but with him I didn't have to. We tried things together. If it worked, Great!! If not, we were able to laugh at it and leave it at that. Mistakes weren't taken so seriously in our relationship. I noticed the shower water had stopped and suddenly I wasn’t in such a rush. He walked into the room with his towel draped around his waist and some water still glistening on his skin! Looking delicious!! Before I knew it I was sliding my jeans off! Our date could wait!

 

“Wasn’t you just rushing…” I shut him up with a kiss.

“No time for all that,  I said breaking the kiss and tugging at his towel, now come get this!”

• 
  

SITUATIONSHIP part 1: He ain’t cheating....They’re building Boo!

For the past four years of my life, I was involved in a relationship filled with laughter and encouragement! I was spending my life with my best friend who I was able to do my ugliest bend over snorting laugh around as well as my snot dripping from my nose,face tore up, eyes swollen, ugly cry infront of! 

“My soul mate”only described a quarter of what he meant to me!  We were compatible in every way! Finishing each other’s sentences !! Sex out of this world ( we will touch on that a little later) and determination to face whatever life threw at us .. together !! Fearlessly!! The only problem was he and I were both involved with someone other than each other!

“If you keep catching ya dude with the same chick, he ain’t cheating.. they’re building boo” I stopped scrolling and looked at a meme that was on my timeline! OKKURRR!! I said out loud! Instead of double tapping the pic I pushed the home and off buttons on my phone and screenshot it. Stuff like that made me laugh because Hell, I agreed to the fullest but you wasn’t gonna catch me liking or sharing anything for the public to see! People knew only what I wanted them to know about me! 

I double clicked my home button and swiped right until I came up on my opened messenger screen. I sent my newly screenshot picture to HIM along with a heart eyes emoji and a laughing emoji. Three dots appeared and then a kissy face. That’s right boo we building!  As corny as it was I was smiling sooo hard my cheeks were hurting.

“Is he home yet? I miss you”

“ No not yet but you already know as soon as he pull up I’m on my way to you”

I got up placed my phone on the charger and went to my closet to grab my shoes. I stopped infront of the full-size mirror on the wall and turned around to make sure my ass was looking as fat as it possibly could. CHECK!!  I reapplied my lip gloss and flopped on my bed ! This dude was taking his sweet time on freakin purpose. He was supposed to be back a whole hour ago. Shit I had things to do. I heard a car door close. I jumped up and looked out the window only to see the exact person I was waiting for! I grabbed my coat and my phone off the charger and waited for him at the front door.

“Hey bae “ he said planting a kiss on my lips.  

“hey baby, I replied with a sweet smile on my face, What took you so long? You know I have to stop by the store before I meet up with my cousin!”

“ Im sorry Bae I got tied up, I came as soon as I could” he said pulling me into a hug wrapping his arms around my waist. “Im gonna miss you tonight” he squeezed my ass hoping I got the hint. I did!

“ I wish I could , I said breaking free from his grasp, but Im already running late. The baby is in her room sleeping. She has two bottles in the refrigerator and you know there are some frozen pouches in the freezer. Place the milk bags in warm water to thaw it out. No Microwave!!”

“ I know, I know .. I got it ..have fun bae see you later” he said kissing my forehead before pushing me out the door.

I turned and ran down the stairs to my car so happy I could have jumped in the air and clicked my heels. My night was about to be LIT and I couldn’t contain my excitement. I waited until I was down the street before pulling my phone out and texting the words. IM ON THEE WAY !

SITUATIONSHIP part 5 : Lawd knows I love me a singing N***a

I wiped my eyes as I pulled down the visor to look in the mirror. I absolutely hated crying! My eyes would get puffy and red , my nose would run and not to mention I always felt stupid afterwards. I reached over and turned the music back up hoping to lighten the mood. Tommy reached over and turned it back down.

“What you do that for ?“ I asked lookin over at him 

 

An awkward silence filled the car.

And then Tommy started singin...

“ Now we’re going in circles … around and round … I know it seems hope can’t be found … I know seems like all hope is lost but baby girl that thought is false…. “ 

That’s right ya’ll I had me a singing nigga , who had no problem serenading me at the drop of a dime. One of the many reason why when I fell for him I fell soooo hard. I Absolutely loved me somebody who could express themselves through song .  And he sounded thee fuckk good too ! I turned my head trying to hide the shyness that overwhelmed my being . If I haven’t said it before I’m tellin you now this man gave me butterflies. He made my insides and outsides do backflips.

 He slide his fingers underneath my chin and turned my head back toward him so that now our eyes locked! 

“Boy you better focus on driving “ I laughed pointing to the road infront of us. 

“ I got this woman” he reassured me turning his head to look at the road and then back at me “ Now back to what I was saying .. 

“ I know it seems like we’re growing apart but baby girl you have my heart , and my soul and body that’ll never change.. see my love for you will remain the same ….”

I sat there mesmerized hanging on to his every word … probably looking Goofy but at this point I did not care !! He was my baby and at that exact moment I was proud as hell to be his even if only temporary!

30 mins passed as the the vibes in the car went back to normal . We were back to singing and rapping every 90’s and 2000’s girl/guy duo you could name. Ashanti and Jarule “Mesmerized” blared through the speakers as we pulled into the parking lot of a rec center.

“ What we doin here “ I asked confused as hell.
“ just wait here I’ll be right back” he said jumping out the car.
I rolled my eyes and went back to singing . I sang to the top of my lungs not caring who stared me down as they walked to and from their car.
Tommy ran back to the car,knocked on the window and waved for me to come with him . I reached over, pulled the keys out of the ignition and jumped out the car. I snapped my fanny pack around my waist and grabbed his hand as we walked through the doors.
“ why are we here ? “ I asked again clearly annoyed I wasn’t getting an answer. He squeezed my hand as he led me through some double doors and down the stairs. A certain smell hit my nose as we approach a second set of doors.
“You ready?“he asked smiling from ear to ear
Ready for what I asked myself as he opened the door .
“ No way ?! Ice Skating!!” I couldn’t contain my excitement ! I had been talking about going Ice skating for years but never got around to going. This man paid soo much attention to me. He listened to me even when I thought he wasn’t. And that made me sooo happy. He wasn’t perfect but at this point he was perfect for me.
We walked over to the skate rental booth as a thought crossed my mind.. I NEVER did this before... I was going to bust my ass !!
“T you kno I never did this before right “
“ Me either “ he said shrugging his shoulders and laughing .. “guess we will bust our ass together “

See moments like this I knew I would cherish for ever and ever after that. Here I was in my 30’s and this man still had me feeling giddy like a school age girl. Yes he “belonged “ to someone else but on the Weekend he was mine and that’s all that mattered. . When Monday rolled around reality would set in . We would go back to our separate lives our separate families that we were apart of. Putting on a facade for personal gains , advancements and images. Moments like this helped me through the less pleasant times. I held on tight to these moments as I would lay next to a man who did not value me. As I would live a life that was soooo forced but would never fit. As I would live my life day to day unhappy. Moments like this meant EVERYTHING.